A resume: Only a tough man can man the door.

In case you didn't know, the term 'bouncer' in latin is 'dumbfuckis'. 'Bouncer' in latin, if i recall, refers to someone who bounces on concrete thinking that they will spring up into the air, but once they realise after an hour that they aren't springing upwards, they continue for a little while longer then try again on the nearest marble floor.

Want to become a competent bouncer? Submit your resume:

Resume of _____

Skils

• Tough
• Gym
• Strong
• Big
• Mono 
• Standing
• Holding
• Bouncing
• Taking
• Tough
• Asking
• Unnecessary Anger and Threatening
• Crossing arms
• Straight 
• Tough
• Fairly stupid
• Bad vocabulary
• Bouncing

I left school at the age of 13 by choice. Bummed around for a few years, bit of fighting and drugs, so good man, it's the shit. And by the shit I mean 'The Shit!!', you know. Need a job, can't get in anywhere, don't know what it is i'm doing wrong. Retail, Hospitality, and by that I mean working in a hospital. No one will take a second look at me. Probably because I'm so god damn out of proportion and angry that they wouldn't dare look again. Think this would be good for me. As you can see my vocab is, what is the word lim...mited. I'd be great for the job. The other day I was asked for a light and I just stared at the guy till he walked off. You should have seen it! The girls loved it.I will bounce the shit out of anyone who is smaller than the moon.

Video 'Ezy'?

We all love going to the video shop, but don't you find it slightly ironic that it is so god damn difficult to find a dvd to rent out?

Easy spelt 'Ezy', very clever. But why is it 'ezy'? Surely it can't be in reference to the ease of being able to rent out a film. I have never spent less than 10 minutes in a video store since the last time I can remember. 5/10 times I actually end up renting a film. It is the worst place to go if you're in a rush to do something. If you have a dinner appointment, exam, if you're ovulating, avoid going to the video shop. 9/10 times you will miss your dinner. You might even miss the unnecessary 10 pm order of coffee at the end of the meal. You'll be late to your exam, and we know how strict schools are with exams. It's the time when teachers can really feel superior and be even bigger assholes than during the year. And to the girl wanting to get knocked up...well, there won't be any knocking up.

Why is it 'Ezy' then? Okay, so most of them are located well, therefore easily accessible. But so are bums, we don't call them 'ezy' though do we. They do locate themselves well...the paving they are on may easily have doubled in land value since their migration to it. We all want a video store which makes it easy to find a film to watch. This is also what the companies want. So why don't they make it easier to find a film? The DVDs stand side by side, we can't even see the front cover. We scour the entire shelf and don't even take in a single bloody detail. We only really take notice of the DVDs that are stood front on, which are the new releases (the ones they want us to rent out). Most recent film material is shit, I don't want a new release. Id like something with Gregory Peck or Michael Douglas that was made prior to the phenomenon of shit film. So the clueless employee joins the struggle in finding me a film I want to rent out. By the time I have found a film to watch, both our necks are crooked, I need to take a piss and I've missed my appt. So then I put the movie back on the shelf, leave the store and find the nearest toilet. Good stuff.

So I've decided that maybe they call it 'Video Ezy' in an ironic sense deliberately, because the majority of the DVDs love to play hard to get and aren't slutty in the slightest.

They are a man's worst nightmare.