A resume: Only a tough man can man the door.

In case you didn't know, the term 'bouncer' in latin is 'dumbfuckis'. 'Bouncer' in latin, if i recall, refers to someone who bounces on concrete thinking that they will spring up into the air, but once they realise after an hour that they aren't springing upwards, they continue for a little while longer then try again on the nearest marble floor.

Want to become a competent bouncer? Submit your resume:

Resume of _____

Skils

• Tough
• Gym
• Strong
• Big
• Mono 
• Standing
• Holding
• Bouncing
• Taking
• Tough
• Asking
• Unnecessary Anger and Threatening
• Crossing arms
• Straight 
• Tough
• Fairly stupid
• Bad vocabulary
• Bouncing

I left school at the age of 13 by choice. Bummed around for a few years, bit of fighting and drugs, so good man, it's the shit. And by the shit I mean 'The Shit!!', you know. Need a job, can't get in anywhere, don't know what it is i'm doing wrong. Retail, Hospitality, and by that I mean working in a hospital. No one will take a second look at me. Probably because I'm so god damn out of proportion and angry that they wouldn't dare look again. Think this would be good for me. As you can see my vocab is, what is the word lim...mited. I'd be great for the job. The other day I was asked for a light and I just stared at the guy till he walked off. You should have seen it! The girls loved it.I will bounce the shit out of anyone who is smaller than the moon.

Video 'Ezy'?

We all love going to the video shop, but don't you find it slightly ironic that it is so god damn difficult to find a dvd to rent out?

Easy spelt 'Ezy', very clever. But why is it 'ezy'? Surely it can't be in reference to the ease of being able to rent out a film. I have never spent less than 10 minutes in a video store since the last time I can remember. 5/10 times I actually end up renting a film. It is the worst place to go if you're in a rush to do something. If you have a dinner appointment, exam, if you're ovulating, avoid going to the video shop. 9/10 times you will miss your dinner. You might even miss the unnecessary 10 pm order of coffee at the end of the meal. You'll be late to your exam, and we know how strict schools are with exams. It's the time when teachers can really feel superior and be even bigger assholes than during the year. And to the girl wanting to get knocked up...well, there won't be any knocking up.

Why is it 'Ezy' then? Okay, so most of them are located well, therefore easily accessible. But so are bums, we don't call them 'ezy' though do we. They do locate themselves well...the paving they are on may easily have doubled in land value since their migration to it. We all want a video store which makes it easy to find a film to watch. This is also what the companies want. So why don't they make it easier to find a film? The DVDs stand side by side, we can't even see the front cover. We scour the entire shelf and don't even take in a single bloody detail. We only really take notice of the DVDs that are stood front on, which are the new releases (the ones they want us to rent out). Most recent film material is shit, I don't want a new release. Id like something with Gregory Peck or Michael Douglas that was made prior to the phenomenon of shit film. So the clueless employee joins the struggle in finding me a film I want to rent out. By the time I have found a film to watch, both our necks are crooked, I need to take a piss and I've missed my appt. So then I put the movie back on the shelf, leave the store and find the nearest toilet. Good stuff.

So I've decided that maybe they call it 'Video Ezy' in an ironic sense deliberately, because the majority of the DVDs love to play hard to get and aren't slutty in the slightest.

They are a man's worst nightmare.

The show must go on.

The stale mate on the 25/9/2010 confirms the clear-cut need for the rules to be changed.

Admittedly I'm not a footy fanatic; I don't know the ins and outs of the game, the teams, the players. I'm one for betting on the game (another way of saying i'm one for losing cash on the game without difficulty), and for observing it. The Collingwood vs. St Kilda draw, without a shadow of a doubt, makes it outright obvious that a drawn score should not be halted at the finish. As much as we love hearing the final siren, as if a freakin' freight train was heading straight into us, it needs to be re-configured for the grand final:

Option 1) Delay the siren an extra 10-15?
Option 2) Delay the siren until the next goal is scored?
Option 3) Play a 5th quarter?
Option 4) Finish the final quarter, have a break, have a kit kat, and re-fuel for extra time, which could be custom fitted to the wants of the AFL panel, coaches, players, referees and so on. This could mean playing until either team reaches a target score, such as 85, when both teams are drawn at 68-68, for example.
Option 5) Make no changes. Destroy the teams, destroy the supporters, and destroy the betting addicts. Let the finalists play it all out for a second time, in a way that is less authentic.

After all, the Grand Final is supposed to be the 'Final' game is it not?

If only we all had a tiny chimney sweeper in our throat.

'Indie'

I don't know a lot about this 'Indie' that's managed to barge it's way into existence. But whatever the fuck it is, it sounds like an unnecessary level up from 'alternative'. Unnecessary level up is putting it politely. It's fucking horrific to be honest. It manages to take material from other, I guess, 'dynamics' or 'categories' that have already been established, such as the military, and compress them all together to create 'Indie'.

A few years ago I associated Indie with music. Bands such as Deathcab, Muse, Dashboard, Beck and so on, were diagnosed as Indie bands. I always referred to it as Alternative Rock. It was cool. Not as cool as Hard Rock, but a bit different and still appreciated. So this, I guess is where it all started. The two, Alternative and Indie, were separated into two different genres of music, but they were pretty much, if completely, identical. However, nowadays, everyone seems to refer to alternative rock bands as indie bands. I never even hear a glimpse of the word alternative anymore. Even just hearing 'altern' would be music to my hears, but sadly this cannot be.

So it started as Music. And as with previous music genres, the genre progressively influences fan fashion, lifestyle in general. I'd look at certain crowds and think ahh yeah, bit alternative, not too bad. That was fine. However as of late, the alternative clothing, the fusing together of things that aren't supposed to go together, has erupted and now we have unlimited indie zombies roaming the streets. These black boots, that are obviously military. And another thing, if you're going to wear big black boots, fucking tie the laces up.

Rambling much Joel. There's more to say, but it is likely that the people reading this are probably indie, or morons, have your pick, and itching to go cut their hair to make it uneven, cause it's a bit too "normal" to have it even. Facebook groups are multiplying as anti-Indieism finds new methods to rip the absolute shit out of it. Hopefully it will eventually rip the fucking Indieness out of them and make them pure.

The whole thing is topsy turvy, it doesn't make sense. Are we all going to start writing with the opposite hand next maybe?

An ecdote.

More often than not are the supervisors at your place of work 100% bitch.

Walking past her desk to the toilet.

"What you think of the lollies Nicole?"
"I'm not really a sour person"
"You sure about that?"

Luckily she is the perfect candidate for being giving the nickname dumbo for not only looking like an elephant, but being a friggin' dumb arse, so I got away with it.

We're in the wrong era.